The 2013 E3 Convention Coverage Report

Due to the overwhelming popularity of Optimism Vaccine, we were invited to attend the most prestigious of annual trade show events, the 2013 E3 Convention in beautiful Los Angeles, CA! We knew this was important, so we sent in one of our most experienced correspondents, Devlin Satanfingers. - Optimism Vaccine Editorial Staff

The Optimism Vaccine editors, in a bout of desperation for me to return their children unharmed, assigned me to cover this year’s E3 Convention in Las Angeles. The press pass they handed over stated that the E3 convention is “the world's premier trade show for computer and video games and related products”. I know very little about televisions and computing, but I do know a goddamn lot about tracking down a son-of-a-bitch named Standish Jenson, who literally stole my grandfather’s heart from its mini cooler whilst it was on route to the hospital for transport. Standish’s bad habits will soon catch up to him.

Los Angeles, CA

I arrived in Los Angeles six days early. I needed to set up camp and pick up the scent on Standish Jenson’s trail before the conference was scheduled to begin and I’d have to go to goddamned work. The heat in Los Angeles was as unbearable as a disabled bear (as in, the bear is un-bear-able). As per usual, the rotten sacks at Optimism Vaccine had given me little in the way of compensation for my time and trouble, so I was essentially out of resources before this foul assignment ever began.

After days of pilfering around the shiny garbage dump of a city, I was able to bribe an ambulance driver into granting me access to the city’s data center. I infiltrated in through the front doors of the facility, and hugged closely to the walls as I scuttled to the data core. Once inside, I became acquainted with acne-riddled, 6ft tall Spanish IT specialist Alfonso Yorto, who informed me that he was able to operate the facility’s online browser system (internet). Alfonso performed a search, and then an enhancement of online browser system results, on Standish Jenson. He was able to locate Jenson’s position, which was ironically at the very same E3 Convention I was supposed to have been covering for the last two days.

I asked Alfonso if he could provide me with immediate transportation to the convention, to which he responded by cupping his face in his delicate hands and weeping deeply. I nodded my head slowly, pretending to understand the shame he must have been feeling.

On route to the convention center.

Once back outside the data center, I ran into the street and commandeered a minivan vehicle driven by a short, tired looking woman with brown, curly hair. I felt an immediate and deep connection with her, but ignored my impulses for small talk. I had to get back to the conference; no excuses. The minivan vehicle and I quickly accelerated away, leaving behind what could have been. 

"official" E3 Press Pass

Arriving at the convention, the security guards at the front door informed me that they could not accept press passes that had been counterfeited using a computer program titled “Microsoft Paint”. Those goddamned bastards at Optimism Vaccine had screwed me again! I dropped to my knees and proceeded to loudly scream at Jesus for plaguing me with this horrific assignment, and for allowing me to get so close to fulfilling my sweet, sweet vengeance against Standish Jenson, only to once again fail. 

Devlin returns home disappointed.

I walked to the curb, hailed a cab, scream-vomited into the driver’s open window, and then began my long walk back to the Middle West.