There are lots of compelling stories that sell lots of copies of DVDs and do pretty well in the box office, but sometimes I get the feeling that these aren't compelling stories. No, not if you consider how most of the time whenever stuff happens in real life, no one really gives a rat’s ass. Central to so many plots is the idea that a character, or a group of characters, care about something. But what if that isn't the case? What if the real story is much less interesting than that? These are blurbs about movies and how we all missed the point. Because there never was one.
Terminator
Oh no! Robots are trying to fuck with the future by fucking with the past! But what if everyone in the future realized that everyone keeps sending shit back through time and the balance never tips. Every time they show the future in the movies it is all ravaged by robots. Granted, lots of crazy stuff happens when you send a dude and a robot back through time but the end result is that you’re down a couple of robots and a dude on your future inventory sheet. At least in Back to the Future we got to see that they accidentally splintered the timeline for everybody. Not in Terminator though, the war keeps raging unchanged no matter how much crap we keep shoveling naked and backwards through time. The movie would have probably been an awesome nod towards apathy if they never showed what happened in the past. It would be a bunch of dudes sitting in a bunker with crazy robots everywhere, getting their friend to get naked and hop in their time machine, and then have absolutely nothing change. It’s like if I told my friend Reginald to go home and then when he left was like, “What if Reginald went back in time to have sex with my mom?” and then in the next second, have the next second happen like it would have anyway, and then resume eating Cheetos.
Where the Wild Things Are
When you’re bored at home, I highly recommend faking your own disappearance for a few hours to shift attention back to you when you return. Of great importance to this movie’s story line (I know it was a book first, you fuckhead) is the fantasy land of monsters and life lessons. Unfortunately, having experienced childhood myself, I can safely say that no one has ever learned an important life lesson from imagining anything, ever. No, this story is the story of a boy with problems concentrating and no regards for his mother’s feelings, which is a pretty bad-ass apathetic way to run shit. Personally, I've been inspired to be declared missing several times since this movie’s release. Each time I return, my boss’ eyes well up with tears and they grovel and apologize for driving me away with shitty boring work. Actually no, not really. I was just imagining things again. I’d better get back to this shitty boring work. Thanks for nothing imagination.
